I Swear to God I Didn't Fart in 6th Period

Ok guys, seriously! This is getting crazy, I’m so sick of everyone thinking that it’s me who keeps farting in Geography! This is so unfair. I know I’m under the most suspicion seeing that I weigh a bit more than the average 15 year old but I think you’ll realize if you review the facts here than you will clearly see that it is not I who is perpetrating this flatulation. I’m no xenophobic but I think we can be sure that our multiculturalism is the cause of the confusion.

Sure I tend to eat an “unhealthy” combination of meats and dairy products, many of which are over processed and placed between over refined polysaccharide grain goods liberally dressed with oil and egg products but that’s the American diet people, everyone eats like me. Has nobody noticed that there is an alarming array of exchange students as well as diverse cultural identities floating around Wellsmore this year? I think its time we start ignoring our natural aversion to anything not politically correct and take a look at the fact that non-Americans have greater flatulent tendencies than us normal Americans.

Has nobody noticed that fucking Greg eats beets and yogurt every day at lunch? Am I the only one that can draw a conclusion regarding beets, yogurt and poo-spray? I know its bad taste to make fun of Greg now that his mom’s dead, but there was a time when we’d be all over his ass for that. He lives in a trailer with like six other people! His nose is probably fart resistant. His family are Ukrainian gypsies right? I have nothing against magic but beets are known fart makers.

I’m not a racist but I know that Indian’s smell god awful and J’habi could be the worst. I understand in this postmodern PC world none of you may have the testicular fortitude to point out that J’habi may be the cause of this entire sixth period stink. Allow me to present the facts. Fact One: J’habi is from a country that doesn’t mind poo-stink. I saw Slumdog Millionaire. Fact Two: he eats like a ton of cumin. That stuff even tastes like farts! Come ON People! Fact Three: if you don’t speak English than what do you care if people think you’re gross? Right? If I was a non-English speaking Argentinean than what would I care if I was letting a few fly around non-Mexicans? Probably not at all that’s what I’m thinking.

But let’s not stop at the gentleman, ladies. How ‘bout you Kim? Quite interesting that four out of five accusations pegged on me this week have come from you before anyone has smelled the air biscuit in question. And don’t tell me that everyone forgot how you juiced your jeans in 2nd grade. I know you explained that it was a horrible case of dysentery and you had to go to the hospital but what the hell, you’re not a pirate! You eat raw eel for lunch! I know it’s trendy to eat sushi these days but no one can persuade me to believe that eating uncooked fish all day doesn’t give you the turd whistles.

I think if we all just take a step back and examine our own cultural identity than we can put these nasty accusations to rest. And please this isn’t even remotely about that day in Spanish when we learned that Gordo meant fat. Yes we all drew the parallels to my name thank you. Being 320 lbs. doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m constantly leaking methane like some formidable steam powered robot; I’m just an average American with average American sensibilities when it comes to lunch

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